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LiveJournal for tuesday i'll forgive you.

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Friday, February 1st, 2002

Time:1:36 pm.
Mood: nervous.
one day i will delete this journal.
or just not use it for anything else but community posts.
because i don't like the username; it's not me; i'm too quiet and subversiv to be really evil.
so, there's the other journal ; i like it much better; add it to your friend's list, people :)
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Wednesday, January 30th, 2002

Time:8:58 pm.
am listening to myself read on tape, in berlin.
and it's so sad.
and weird. because i have such an innocent voice. and breathless. and fast. because i have no time.
no emotions, flat because i'm not connected to what i say i just feel and it scares me to death.

i'm so scared of myself.
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Tuesday, January 29th, 2002

Time:8:59 pm.
i have a headache.
it paralyzes my brain.
and i'm scared that this will be the frist one of many.
i have evil headaches. i remember last year. i must have spent most of the year in bed; the blinds down and just lying there. or running to the bathroom.
i don't want that anymore. specially since nothing seems to help but novalgin and that makes me sleepy and drowsy.
i want to go to school every morning and drama group, driver's ed and all the other stuff i'm so excited about, because even though i still feel bad inside; i really really want to do this stuff.
because if i make it, then i'll know i can and it will make me feel better about everything i hope.
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Time:7:29 pm.
he came and he left after maybe an hour.
he called me luise.
luise is his girlfriend.

it was ok, not really awkward or anything; i just didn't want him to be here and he was and i think he knew that.
he left the connecting cables here, so i can finish recording it all for him (it is after all his first show) and then he left and said: "now, you can call me to tell me i forgot something."

i used to do that, because i was so desperate. i don't know for what; to hear his voice if i couldn't have him next to me or i was just desperate for human contact.

i don't want to ever love like i loved him again.
when it's over it tears you apart and causes so many tears while it's lasting.
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Time:4:22 pm.
f had another nervous breakdown yesterday in school; i don't know how to describe this otherwise and it looks like he won't be coming back to school for the rest of the week and maybe even longer because they're thinking of putting him in the hospital.
which may not be so wrong, but i'll miss him no matter.
he's so much fun to sit next to and he's so smart and clever and just as fed up as i am.

good news: i might have a job at the local movie theater on mondays and tuesdays.

and now i'm waiting for my ex to show up.
i don't really care anymore, not like yesterday for example.
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Monday, January 28th, 2002

Time:9:38 pm.
i've sort of moved; new user name.
i don't think i'll give this up though, we'll just have to wait and see.
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Time:3:52 pm.
incubus sounds like summer-longing.
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Time:3:35 pm.
i've been an angel today even though all i did was dream about summer and told hannah i hate winter by now.
she laughed and said she does too.
first time i said more to her than hi and it was cool.

my sister is all excited because we're going to watch her favorite movie of all times.

and i'm dreaming of summer, anywhere, anytime, just the sun shine on me.
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Sunday, January 27th, 2002

Time:7:35 pm.
i'm always searching for a way out of here.
so far, i've only failed in trying.
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Time:6:02 pm.
i come after everything,
that is why you always miss me.
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Time:5:29 pm.
du musst doch die minuten zhlen....
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Subject:can you remember me?
Time:5:27 pm.
there are holes
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Time:3:20 pm.
i always thought you would be the one who wouldn't know me anymore one day.
but instead it was me and i felt so sorry for you, i tried but i just couldn't remember and you kept on telling stores of games we played on the street and nights at the playground rolling around on the grass.
and i just didn't know anymore.
but i let you take my hand anyways.
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Time:2:59 pm.
and then i sat there staring and wondered why staying here doesn't fill them up with fear and put them into automatic panic mode?

just thinking of all those twinkling lights and remembering what they feel like, make me want to run.away.fast.
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Time:2:51 pm.
Mood: confused.
last night at mcdonalds i said: "i have to leave, the further away from here, the better i'll feel."
no one said a thing, they all looked away and quickly started talking about their own plans.
i don't have plans anymore, i'll just see where i'll end up one day and if it makes me happy i'll stay and if it doesn't; i'll move on.

i tried to listen to them talking about their plans, but i couldn't concentrate, there wasn't much to say about it either and i remembered my weird dream; that i had an affair with my ex. i remembered that he's coming by on tuesday because he wants the video of his band's first show. and how i don't like that idea at all. he looked at me on friday and it made me feel very uncomfortable and i wish he would disappear.
i'm very happy when he's not around on weekends. then i don't have to see him and his girlfriend.
i don't know why, but i don't like seeing them together, it doesn't really hurt either, it just makes me sad.
it's annoying, sometimes it's overwhelming; i still remember kissing him and sleeping with him.

i wish i could tell him how much he hurt me.
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Saturday, January 26th, 2002

Time:7:02 pm.
you'd go crazy if i slept with you,
one eye open because i could slip away,
from your arms.
i have no time.

i want nights spent under the stars, just you and i, my cigarettes and both of us drunk. the stories we tell each other shine like rose-colored beads and i can make you smile.
i want to fall asleep holding your hand and smelling you next to me.
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Time:6:57 pm.
have i mentioned "subtle" is the perfect word?
i've never used it or written it down somewhere, but it sounds smooth and round and it is best for things quiet, delicate and hidden.
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Subject:"i can wear whatever i like, mother."
Time:6:11 pm.
am listening to the (international) noise conspiracy, am bored and am thinking about all the things i miss:
#1: going somewhere with people who can have fun
#2: telling weird stories and have someone laugh
#3: feeling liked, wanted and needed
#4: good music, smoke and books
#5: doing things with a meaning
#6: less talk more action
#7: better hoice of vans old skool's at stores
#8: being able to buy records and not have to order them
#9: speaking english with someone
#10: the feeling that everything is possible (when i was 8, i was convinced this was a fact of life)
#11: kissing and having no time to sit down because i'm so in love

something i don't want to do: clean up my room.
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Time:3:48 pm.
i slept until 3:30pm and now i'm still wish i were in bed, but i'm gonna watch dawson's creek and eat something.
last week i noticed that the series would be so much better without dawson, because he's like a big baby that tries to say smart stuff but it's just crap, it sounds so clich. thank god, there are more characters than just him.

and last night was fun. even though i'm realizing more and more that there's sort of a gap between me and my friends. not that we don't like each other, just in the ways we think and live and i sometimes think i'm thrown together with all those they think are weird. specially when i say something; that they don't understand, they just look and they have this smile like "look, she's saying weird stuff again."

last night they tried to convince me that i was wearing my dress because of the boys, cuz i wanted to look good for them, or for this one guy who was supposed to come. they didn't believe me when i said that i just like (and that boy and i are friends and nothing else). i hate things like that.
i have never tried to look good for a guy. i wear what i like and if i choose to wear a dress and my black boots then i do that.

why do some girls put so much energy into looking good for others?
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Friday, January 25th, 2002

Time:6:59 pm.
not a bad day and my report card isn't too bad either. actually there wouldn't be any problem if there wasn't the conference, but i decided that that wouldn't matter today/tonight.
i went shopping with my school friends and we stayed in sb the whole day and i actually only bought what i wanted and had fun. even though i got a headache after a while.
i am so sick of my migraines.
now, i'm going to watch simpsons and eat something, look at my chemistry book and phantasize myself whizzing through school.
i have my magic dress on and everything is possible.
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LiveJournal for tuesday i'll forgive you.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.